Thoughts on thoughts!

I wrote this December 15, 2011. I read it for the first time again today when I reactivated my old Facebook, anyways I'm so proud of myself and how much I've grown spiritually! Enjoy.

I seem to always be reading, any time I have free time I just pick up a book and read and it got me thinking why was it that when I was still in High School I didn’t find much interest in it? I graduated almost 7 months ago and it wasn’t until I lived by myself that I found out who I really was, my actions and what it felt like to really be alone. I hated it for awhile I mean yeah you meet new friends, discover new things and leave the old things behind. It was all fun at first getting to do whatever you wanted and learning things on your own. I got to a point where I just couldn’t do it anymore, here I am 19 years old barely starting life & I couldn’t even remember to put my clothes in the dryer after I washed them. Something really hit me & I knew if I ever wanted to have a happy, prospering life I had to change the way I thought, the way I talked, my actions just everything about me. No it wasn’t just because I left my clothes in the washing machine for 2 days but it was more than that, it seemed like everything else around me was slowly falling apart, one of those if it’s not one thing it’s another kind of deals. I did some pretty dumb things before and I know I hurt a lot of people which didn’t make it easier for me. I always thought why would they still talk to me, even though there was nothing I knew I could do to have them forgive me. I seriously just remember crying, wondering what it was that made me do the half the things I did and by this time I was already trying to establish a deeper relationship with Christ a deeper meaning then just “I believe in him” I needed a reason to find why he still believed in me why I was still being given second chances. I used to be one of those people who would go out all the time because I thought partying was just absolutely the coolest thing to do, act stupid because you only live once, right? No, none of that made me happy anymore, it wasn’t enough because I knew one of these days it might just be too late while I was out there acting like a fool I could have been doing something much more worth remembering. Now I know everyone thinks different but I’m not everyone else therefore it doesn’t matter what I think, but it should matter to you what he thinks. After a great deal of prayer, reading, music therapy, writing and everything else that fell into play I finally felt and realized how it was to be one of those “Jesus Freaks” to feel absolutely overpowered by the King. Spiritual maturity is never an end in itself, we grow up in order to give out! I’m not saying with Jesus my life is perfect because I go through some things I just break down and still ask why are you doing this to me, but now I just simply pray and know that everything he does is because it’s supposed to happen, my weakness becomes perfect in him & I know he’s shaping my heart in the likeness of his way. My good days, my rainy days, even when I still get angry all of my emotions still lead to him. Sometimes people get tired of doing the same thing over and over and over again, but with him I feel brand new everyday as if I’m a little seed that’s just growing, my faith a year ago is no where compared to how it is today, but Jesus was still the same. Which is such a powerful statement. I don’t think there’s a day that goes by I don’t break down and just thank him for yesterday, for today, for my precious family, for allowing me to be the person I am today. A Relationship with Jesus is the most intimate one anyone can ever have and I know when the day comes he will provide me with someone he wants me to be with, have a family that will have families that prosper beyond imaginable. I refuse to be that family worrying about stuff that could have been prevented, when all it would have took was a simply submission to the greatest love you could ever experience, I do believe the younger you start his journey the easier life will be for you, mentally. If I died today I feel like I wouldn’t leave on a bad term & that’s all that matters to me, He is by far the best thing that has ever happened to me, emotionally, physically, mentally, everything I am is he everything he designed. The way I think determines the way I feel, and the way I feel always influences the way I act. I can’t wait to see what he has for me in the future!